We get an early morning text or see the announcement on Facebook: A friend’s mom or spouse or child has died. We feel heartbroken for them. We search for information about the arrangements. We make sure mutual friends hear the news. We order flowers or make a memorial donation. If possible, we plan to attend the funeral.
Illustrations by João Fazenda
These are the things we know to do immediately after a friend loses a loved one. But what about the days and months to come?
Grief doesn’t end with the funeral. In fact, many times the shock of death delays grief, and the reality and emotions that come later crash down like the ocean surf on a struggling swimmer. When people have gone back to their own homes, the flower arrangements have wilted, and cards stop filling the mailbox, how can we continue to be a good friend to one who grieves?
We’ve put together this guide to help you share the comfort of God with anyone in your life who may be grieving. The goal is not to become an amateur counselor, but to give you the confidence you need to step up and stand by the mourner’s side. Grief can certainly be overwhelming, but it’s something we can weather together with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Understanding Grief
First, we need to understand grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. It has been described in various ways: A series of stages that come one after the other. A cycle that repeats until it gradually fades. Waves that wash over us again and again, sometimes unexpectedly. For some, grief eventually ends. For others, it never does.
Because people experience grief differently, their needs may change at different points in the process. Grief also comes with many and various practical needs, which may not be immediately obviously to the one suffering. In 2 Samuel 12:15-23, we read about King David’s grief over his dying child. When the infant was ill, King David refused to get up off the ground or even to eat. Later, when David learned that his baby had died, he got up, washed, and asked for food. Why did he do this? He’d already mourned as his son was fading away and saw the boy’s death as a kind of release for them both until they were reunited in heaven (vv. 22-23). Perhaps his behavior was confusing to his servants, but it is likely recognizable to those who have grieved.
Also, we mourn many kinds of losses, not just death. Generally, grief happens when we lose someone or something important to us. If a friend who moves away, a career ends, a child becomes estranged, or a dream left is unrealized, it can all result in sorrow. Recognizing grief in our life and the lives of others can help explain complicated emotions or even physical symptoms that are otherwise unexplained (Ps. 31:9; Job 17:7).
Finally, grief encompasses many emotions, not just sadness. Sometimes loss causes anger or fear. Other times, the death of a loved one results in relief, especially if they have suffered. There can even be joy in grief, as people recall good experiences or the depth of love they felt (Prov. 14:13). Often, a grieving person feels many emotions all at once, and each of them is totally valid.
Being a Friend in Grief
Understanding grief’s complexity can help us as we reach out to a friend who is dealing with loss. There’s not one right way to help. But there are many acts of service that can put us in a position to be a good friend when someone we love is grieving.
Prepare. Before you approach your friend or family member to offer comfort, let go of the idea of doing it “right.” Though we all experience grief, very few of us know how to help someone else through it. We worry about saying the wrong things and are tempted to do nothing at all, but doing nothing leaves our friend to face the loss alone. Instead, go into the situation knowing you will feel uncomfortable and won’t always know what to do. Feeling awkward isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong; it’s simply evidence you’re bravely navigating uncharted and painful territory.
That being said, here are some examples of phrases that can be painful for a grieving person to hear:
"Everything happens for a reason.”
“He/She is in a better place.”
“Things will get better with time.”
“He/She lived a good, long life.”
“I know how you feel.”
Phrases that might be more helpful include things like:
“I’m really sorry you’ve lost ______.”
“He/She will be greatly missed.”
“I’m here for you. You are not alone.”
“I’m praying for you and thinking of you often.”
“One thing I remember/loved about ______ was …”
The difference between these sentiments is that the first set minimizes the grieving person’s feelings, whereas the second set acknowledges them. We want to create a safe space for our loved one to feel his or her emotions—that’s the best way to process grief, after all.
Pray. Sometimes we can get so focused on the tangible acts of service that we forget the most powerful tool we have—prayer. God is near the brokenhearted (Ps. 34:18), and He wants to answer pleas for His will. Prayer is especially helpful whenever we can’t be physically present.
You might try praying a passage of Scripture for the person. For example:
Lord, blessed are those who mourn. Let [name] be comforted (Matt. 5:4).
Father, let [name] experience Your peace (John 14:27).
You can also do the same for yourself with prayers like:
God of all comfort, let me comfort my afflicted friend with the comfort You have given me (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
Lord, You give wisdom to all generously and without reproach. I ask You for wisdom on how to help (James 1:5).
Show up. Once we’ve prepared our heart and mind, the most important thing we can do for a grieving friend is to be present. Loss can feel awkward or complicated, and the easy thing to do is simply stay away. But even when we don’t know what to say or do, being there in times of grief lets our friend know we care. Depending on the circumstances, that might mean dropping by the house or stopping by his or her desk at work more often than usual just to check in. We could also send text messages or cards on a regular basis to let our friend know we are praying. If the friend lives far away, we might decide to take time off so we can attend a funeral or a retirement party or simply offer the gift of distraction. While the details will differ, showing up for someone who’s grieving is an important way to show our love and care.
If you’re feeling unsure about how to show up for your grieving friend, try praying something like this: Father, I’m not sure what to do or say. Please give me the courage to be fully present, and guide me with Your wisdom. Let me be a source of Your comfort. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Listen. We all want to say magic words and make the pain go away, but that’s simply not possible. In fact, our words matter far less than we might think. Instead, it’s essential for us to show up and make ourselves available to listen. Think of Job’s friends after his losses—but with much less talking (Job 42:7-9).
That’s not to say there aren’t words or stories we can share that will help and offer encouragement. But when we listen, we let the one grieving lead the way. Sometimes a story about our own grief will be just the thing. Other times, a special memory of our own about the person who’s gone will offer comfort. It’s also possible, however, that our grieving friend won’t feel like talking at all. When we show up prepared to listen, we can be there without saying anything.
Turning off our impulse to speak requires an extra dose of humility. Pray for yourself that you would be “quick to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19).
Consider asking your loved one questions about the person or thing they’ve lost. Bystanders are often afraid to bring up the deceased person, but sometimes that is the very thing a grieving person wants, and perhaps needs, to talk about. They may enjoy recounting memories or appreciate processing the change out loud. If you’re not sure, simply ask: “Can I ask you some questions about _____? Or would you rather talk about something else?”
Help. As mentioned above, the needs of those who grieve are as different as the people going through the process. And those needs will change as the situation evolves. When we spend time with them, what they need—and ways we can help meet those needs—will become more obvious. For many, the practical considerations of life pose the most significant burden in the days immediately after a loss, as family arrives from out of town or travel arrangements are made. We can:
Purchase a gift card to a restaurant or grocery store.
Drop off a favorite casserole or a batch of homemade muffins.
Bring a box filled with things like paper towels, paper plates, and toilet paper. These run out quickly, especially with extra people in the house, and it is such a blessing to not have to think about them.
Take care of daily chores like walking the dog, washing laundry, mowing the lawn, or entertaining the children to give the adults time to take care of other details.
Depending on the loss, we might be called on to offer practical help for some time, especially for friends whose loss has left them more vulnerable or unable to care for themselves (James 1:27). So, when possible, be prepared to serve in this way for an extended period.
You might be tempted to say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But that commonly used phrase puts grieving friends in the position of asking for help, which they don’t have the mental and emotional bandwidth to do. Figuring out what they need is just another task to be handled, one more burden to bear in a time when they are already overloaded. Instead, offer something specific. For example:
“I’d like to wash your car on Tuesday. Is that okay?”
“I’ll be at the grocery store tomorrow. I’m going to get you two dinners. Is that enough?”
“Would you like some help going through your correspondence? I can write thank-you cards, and all you need to do is sign them.”
“What chore is hanging over your head right now? I’d like to take it off your plate.”
Keep watch. In some cases, those who suffer loss need more help moving back into the rhythms of their “new normal” than we can offer on our own. Persistent grief can lead to long-term mental illness or the inability to physically care for oneself. Major life changes that accompany loss can also complicate grief and make it more difficult for a person to resume daily life.
If we notice that people who’ve experienced loss no longer want to care for themselves or even seem to be at risk of harming themselves, we may need to contact a trusted family member, community resource center, or even a counseling hotline to ensure their safety. We could also contact a pastor or elder in our church to help them get the help they need.
Remember. For most people, the extreme emotions and circumstances of grief do level off over time. However, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or other important markers can move a person right back into active grief. None of us can know every special moment that might trigger grief for someone else, but if we can remember a birthday of a deceased spouse, back-to-school time for a retired teacher, or the anniversary of a recently divorced friend, we can reach out. Even a simple text that says, “I am thinking of you today” can help a grieving friend feel less alone.
Consider setting up reminders for important dates on your phone or calendar that will remind you to reach out. It seems like such a small thing but truly does make a difference—especially as the years pass and the loss recedes in everyone else’s mind.
A Word of Encouragement
Watching someone grieve is never easy. But we must join our loved ones in loss—it is too great a burden to bear alone. It’s good to remember that we can (and will) do it imperfectly—but no matter how we feel, we’re fully equipped to share God’s comfort. We don’t have to be experts or licensed counselors to offer support. We just have to be fully present, give freely of ourselves, and trust the Holy Spirit to take care of the rest.
