We all have our share of emotional wounds inflicted by a close friend or loved one. In an ideal situation, we can find a way toward forgiveness by talking it out with the person and resolving the issue together. But what if reconciliation with your wrongdoer isn’t possible or is out of your control?
Illustrations by Nomoco
Perhaps he or she has died without ever having spoken with you. Or perhaps, for one reason or another, the person is unreachable or no longer a part of your life. For those of us dealing with that absence and lack of resolution, the sense of loss feels so much greater. We’re left to relive memories of what once was, longing for what could have been. The past is an unresolved chord, dissonant and uncomfortable. What can we do to forgive in a situation like this?
It’s a problem without a tidy solution, but we created this guide to help you begin to do the challenging (and necessary) work of forgiveness. Keep in mind that these tips are not meant to be a to-do list but, rather, a process carried out over time. Much like grieving, this kind of forgiveness must be worked through on its own timetable. Relief will likely not happen all at once, and there might be times when emotions you thought you’d dealt with successfully come back around again. We pray that during those moments when your heart grows bitter or the pain of your past creates a fog over your present, these guided exercises will serve as practical, meaningful ways to promote the healing process. Simply do what you can, when you can.
Face Your Feelings
It may seem counterintuitive, but acknowledging your feelings of hurt allows you to let go of them. Oftentimes, we deny our negative emotions to avoid the pain that expressing them can cause. But what we may not realize is that remaining locked in negative thought patterns and hostility harms us. According to researchers at Johns Hopkins, “Chronic anger puts [us] into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.” On the other hand, sometimes we avoid our feelings of anger and disappointment because we think acknowledging them is somehow sinful. But remember, even Jesus felt negative emotions—and He was without sin. Having a feeling is not sinful. Moreover, acknowledging or accepting a feeling is not the same as wallowing in or encouraging it.
True healing can happen when we confront the very feelings that take up so much space in our head and heart. After we’ve faced emotions, we no longer have to carry them. Here are a few ways to acknowledge and accept your feelings, as recommended by counselors who help others via “forgiveness therapy”:
Notice the emotions as they come up. If you’ve been avoiding certain feelings for a while, this may not come naturally at first, but it will with time and repetition. One of the easiest ways to notice an emotion is how it manifests physically. For instance, you might realize your stomach is in knots or that your shoulders are constantly tense. Or perhaps you become disproportionately angry or distressed in a situation that could be easily resolved. These are all prompts to pause and observe your emotions (without attempting to resolve them). It’s okay if you don’t notice your feelings in the moment but only after the fact—any observation is a step in the right direction.
Name the feelings. Research shows that naming emotions has a powerful effect on their role in our spirit. It puts distance between us and the emotion itself so that instead of feeling helpless, we become aware of our own agency. It’s the difference between thinking I am my anger and I feel angry. Naming emotions helps us understand that we can experience them without becoming them.
Google a “feelings wheel.” It’s a lot easier to identify an emotion by choosing from a list of words than to come up with one on your own.
King David consistently named his feelings throughout the Psalms. Read and meditate on Psalm 69:1-36, and see if you feel encouraged to name the emotions you’re experiencing.
Keep a journal. In some ways, this is a deeper exploration of the first two points. We don’t always have time for extended reflection, but when emotions are high, it’s a worthwhile exercise. Identify when and why you were feeling a particular emotion. What was happening? What were you thinking about? The more details you capture, the better. You can review your notes later when you’re in a calmer state of mind and might glean something you would otherwise have missed. Also, the process of writing—physically moving your hand across a page—can help slow down your mind and body and deescalate your emotions.
There’s no need to feel embarrassed or guilty about whatever emotions come over you—whether sadness, anger, or even shame. These reactions reveal the extent of the love and heartbreak you are experiencing. They are a testimony to the significance of the harm done to you and how it has impacted your life. In Scripture, we are reminded that “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18). He is close to those in distress. And His care is both genuine and empathetic because He experienced the very same emotions while on earth.
Create Something Positive
Sometimes it’s helpful to take the process a step further by creating a tangible representation of forgiveness—a positive and lifegiving action that puts you in control.
Write a letter to your wrongdoer. Like writing out your feelings in a journal, it can also be helpful to compose a letter to the person who harmed you, telling him or her what happened and how it impacted your life. The person may never read the words you write, but by allowing yourself to be as honest and up-front as possible, you’ll be better able to process your feelings and reclaim your story.
Sometimes the most difficult part is getting started, so here’s a suggestion:
Dear ____________,
Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I care about you deeply. There are some things I’ve been thinking about for a while now, and I feel the need to share them with you …
Conveying the depth of grief and pain you feel can be a daunting task, but just seeing the words and sentences on paper can be a release all on its own. Perhaps this is the first time you’ve ever revisited the experience. With that in mind, pace yourself. Don’t feel as if you must finish the letter in one sitting. A paragraph here and there is substantial—any forward progress is a good thing. You can even think of the letter as a diary, an ongoing and living document that you update as you are able.
Once you’ve gotten to a point where you feel the letter is complete, release it to God (1 Pet. 5:7). To symbolize this spiritual act of trust, try literally casting the letter away. You can burn it, tear it into pieces and let it flutter away on a breeze, or even bury it in a beautiful garden—all the while thanking the Lord for His steadfastness through such a challenging season.
Pray for your wrongdoer. Praying for the one who hurt you might be the simplest—and most impactful—thing you can do (Matt. 5:44). This doesn’t mean praying simply for resolution in the situation or reconciliation in your relationship; rather, it’s about specific, focused intercession. Genuinely pray for the person and his or her well-being. Through prayer, you are loving the person who harmed you, which is among the highest callings for a Christian (Luke 6:27-36).
Here is an example to get you started:
Dear Lord,
I want to lift up _______________. I know you love him/her tremendously. I don’t know why he/she treated me this way—only You can see what’s in the human heart. Please bring him/her closer to You and show the same grace and mercy that You have generously given to me. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Your prayer doesn’t have to be elaborate every time. Sometimes you’re just going about your busy day when something triggers thoughts of your offender, and you need a quick reset. That’s a good time to simply repeat, “Lord, have mercy on ________.”
If praying for your wrongdoer feels forced at first, that’s okay. Try to imagine his or her life during the time when the harm occurred. What was the individual going through? What happened that led to wronging you in such a way? Are those things possibly still an ongoing influence? As you make these prayers more regular, your scope of care and concern will grow. You will desire the best for the person, seeking to understand the reason for the harm.
Embrace Community
It is no surprise that in the past several years more than half of American adults reported experiencing loneliness, especially because our culture prizes rugged individualism to an almost unhealthy degree. So much so, in fact, that even our faith—with its emphasis on a “personal relationship with Jesus” rather than a communal focus where Christians strive together towards sanctification—can feel isolating. Compare that to the early church community, as described in Acts 2:42-47, where believers were “continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer” and “had all things in common” including their “property and possessions” (v. 42-43).
While our decision to follow Christ is a serious and individual one, the way we best live out our faith is in relationship with those around us. And that includes an openness and vulnerability that transcends surface-level relationships. Spiritual formation happens in community, and healing happens in community, too. We need fellow believers around us to listen and to speak wisdom into our life. We also need trustworthy shoulders to cry on as we process what we’ve endured; otherwise, we end up isolating ourselves and making the pain even more unbearable (Gal. 6:2).
Close relationships—or community—look different from person to person and group to group. Perhaps you have a few close friends you can confide in. Or maybe a church small group helps you best. In many situations, a trusted counselor or therapist will be vital in helping you process and untangle the painful emotions you’ve had to endure.
Don’t Give Up
As beautiful and significant as forgiveness is, it’s also not a cure-all or magical elixir. Try as we might, there are some scars that will never fully heal, this side of eternity. Consider Peter’s question to Jesus in Matthew 18: “‘Lord, how many times shall my brother sin against me and I still forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy-seven times’” (Matt. 18:21-22).
Jesus wasn’t giving His disciple a solid, non-negotiable number—some kind of hard-and-fast line that could never be crossed. The number seven is often used symbolically in both the Old and New Testaments to represent perfection or completion, so “seventy-seven times” (or, in some translations, “seventy times seven”) means forgiveness should be extended countless times. The limit, as mathematicians say, does not exist.
Perhaps Jesus told Peter seventy-seven times because He knew the path to healing is uncharted and winding, unpredictable and complicated—that true forgiveness is an ongoing process we will grapple with all of our life.
If that sounds like bad news, consider this: You can take forgiveness one day at a time. Do what you can to forgive your wrongdoer today, and keep going. You’re not alone. We all depend on the Holy Spirit to produce His fruit in us (John 15:5).
The act of forgiving others is one of the profoundly meaningful paradoxes of Christianity: The wrongdoer receives grace, yes, but the one who forgives receives something even greater—the health and wholeness found only in the “peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension” (Phil. 4:7).
